"Gay NASCAR" by Keith J. Varadi - 2009
Giggity, Giggity, Giggity – NASCAR is back, and it couldn’t have been wilder.
The Sprint Unlimited is a freebie – points don’t count and most of the car owners aren’t expecting their driver to bring it back in one piece, which as it turns out, is a good thing.
18 cars (well, counting the pace car, 19) started in the non-points pre-season show case – only 8 crossed the finish line in Daytona.
The madness started on the last lap of the first segment when the current NASCAR champion spun himself into the wall at pit entrance. Jimmie was released from the infield care center and said the back end of the #48 just got lose. This is the 3rd Unlimited in a row that JJ got a DNF – but he usually wins when the points count – so calm down Jimmie haters.
We all expect to see the Big One in Daytona but John Hamm wasn’t even there. But the drivers gave us a version of their big one on lap 9 of the second segment when half of the field was wiped out.
It all started when Matt Kenseth tried to pass Keselowski, but much like the people I see shopping at Wal-Mart, Matt forgot to check the mirror. Joey Logano was on the inside of the #20 and Kenseth’s move turned his Toyota back into traffic collecting: Tony Stewart, Kurt Busch, Danica Patrick, Ricky Stenhouse, Jeff Gordon, Carl Edwards,
It was good to see Tony Stewart climb out of the car under his own power after the wreck, this is the first time Tony’s been back in the car since the tail end of last season when he broke his leg at an Old Country Buffet.
The huge wreck brought out the red flag which gave everyone on social media time to react with glee to the fact that Danica was slammed by her boyfriend Ricky Stenhouse. Ricky came out of the pile up and gassed the #17, right into his lover peeling the side of the Go Daddy Chevy like a sardine can. If you can’t be with the one you love, wreck the one your with.
The last segment was dictated by the fans – they voted to make the cars take a mandatory pit stop with the starting order dictated by positions off pit road. Kyle Busch’s jackman jump started his ARCA career by going to the wrong side of the car…. then things really got weird.
As the final segment ramped up the caution flew again – the Pace Car was on fire. No shit! The Pace Car was on fire. Feel free to insert your own Juan Pablo joke here.
Once that fire was put out, the remaining 9 cars tried to bring it to the finish, but 9 became 8 as Dale Junior was turned into the outside wall by Marcos Ambrose. To be fair, Keselowski tried to block the #88 and closed the gap, which left Marcos and Junior with no where to go. Thanks a lot Obama!
Denny Hamlin won the last race in 2013 and carried that momentum with a resounding victory in 2014′s first race. Hamlin led at the end of each segment. The only thing that could have made Denny’s night better would have been wrecking Logano – but he’s got at least 36 weeks to make that happen.
All in all, I was very impressed with the racing. The new rules package from NASCAR allowed drivers to pass while keeping the big pack most of us like to see in Daytona. Based on what I’ve seen on Social Media – most of the fans agree. The 500 is gonna be quite the show.
The biggest kerfuffle was in reaction to Fox’s new “leaderboard.” Gone is the scrolling ticker at the top of the screen showing the intervals – it was replaced with a large box on the left side of the screen blocking 1/4 of the on track action. I haven’t heard this many people complain about a box since I hung out at a gay bar. Hopefully, Fox kills digger and gives us back our ticker.