Apologies for the lateness of this week’s Gaynalysis.  The 83 put my computer into the wall.  As always, the Gaynalysis is just one gay fan’s take on the race.  You can follow me on Twitter at @OmnisexualTwist or email me your comments at carla@queers4gears.com.

Many of the 2011 Chasers called Martinsville the real wild card race.  What they failed to do was put emphasis on “wild”.  We saw wrecks, we saw retaliation, we saw a near record number of cautions.  We also saw Junior and Brian Vickers get more than a little crazy on the track.  It was like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest in race cars.

In a sudden flash of “I don’t give a crap”, we watched Junior become close friends with the bump and run.  He told his crew chief that he was pretty sure he’d be considered a dirty driver if NASCAR raced at more short tracks.  He then laughed like a mad man, dumped Joey Logano, and drove off with his middle finger in the air.

Okay.  Not really.

He did dump Logano.  He didn’t do it with all of that fanfare.  It was actually the only bump all day that he apologized for.

After Junior’s antics at Martinsville, I find myself hoping he grows back the mountain man beard and picks up a maniacal laugh.  If they manage to find him a car that backfires repeatedly, we’ll be able to compare him to the crazed mailman in the Chevy Chase film “Funny Farm”.

In related news, Zippy was none too pleased with Logano being dumped.  He instructed his driver to “grow some balls” and handle it.  Even Zippy admits that his driver is practically a fetus.

Of course, Logano didn’t retaliate.  No one did.  The wrath of Junior nation is a fearsome thing.  Drivers did want to leave Martinsville alive.  In fact, the fear of Junior Nation almost stopped me from cracking jokes.

Almost.

The real story at the Virginia Paper Clip, however, was not Junior going to the dark side.  It was another ginger.  With a much shorter fuse.  Brian Vickers decided this past Sunday that he was sick of people being on his front bumper and he wasn’t going to take it anymore.  Now dubbed “The Pinball Wizard” (by my closest Welsh friend and new fan of NASCAR), Vickers became the most feared driver on the track.  If cars could have scattered out of his way, like roaches when someone flips on the light, they would have.  Because they couldn’t, Vickers now has more hits than Barbara Streisand.

After bouncing Jamie McMurray off of his bumper, Vickers nearly became the victim of retaliation.  Fortunately for him, McMurray’s battery had thrown itself on the track and screamed “I QUIT” on the way down.  McMurray barely managed a glancing blow off of Vickers car.  Apparently McMurray had seen Jimmie Johnson’s attempt at retaliation at Richmond and wanted to try and one up him for the most giggle-worthy attempt of the year.

The most baffling attempt at retaliation would come later in the race.  At the hands of…you guessed it…Brian Vickers.  Who proved that, even with a destroyed race car, one can still make themselves look like a huge jackass and tick off their friends.

After holding up Matt Kenseth for several laps, Kenseth had enough.  He sent Vickers careening into the outside wall and did massive damage to the car.  The dart without feathers was sent being the wall and drivers breathed a sigh of relief.

A very few laps later, Kenseth would be involved in a wreck that took his car out of contention.  He was able to get back out on the track and that set us up for Vickers’ “retaliation”.   As Jimmie Johnson  pulled away from the field, Matt Kenseth pulled down the track.  Vickers slammed his car into the back end of the 17, doing more damage to the front end of his own car (and his reputation) than Kenseth’s.  The rumor that he screamed “I’M THE LEPRECHAUN” as he rammed Kenseth’s back end is unconfirmed.  Thanks to Vickers’ retaliation, a caution flew and Tony Stewart was able to pass Jimmie Johnson for the win.

There may be some truth to the rumor that Vickers is not invited to the Johnson family Christmas party this year.

This week, we move on to Texas.  Where tempers shouldn’t flare nearly as much, but we’ll still get to have some fun.  After all, someone will put on a cowboy hat and pretend they are Woody from Toy Story after the race.