Taking over the Gaynalysis again this week!  Hope you all enjoy it.  And, as always, you can follow me at OmnisexualTwist on Twitter or email me your comments at carla@queers4gears.com.

It’s hard to put the Bank of America 500 in perspective.  A lot happened.  In the middle of very little happening.  There was big drama.  There was little drama.  There was absolutely no drama.  It’s the tale of two races, bad hair, big blow ups, and big shake ups.

The evening started with Tony Stewart on the pole (no, not that kind of pole, but I digress).  Driver intros were set to be a special event.  They always are at Charlotte, but this time it was family introducing the drivers.  Adorable Ella Gordon introduced her dad.  Karsyn Elledge introduced her uncle.  The Busch brothers introduced each other.  It was a sight to behold.  Unfortunately, for ABC/ESPN viewers, we didn’t get to behold it.  We didn’t even get to sneak a peek at it.  Instead, we got to listen to Rusty Wallace talk…and talk…and talk.  We also got stare at his not-so fabulous hair (I’ll get to that in a minute).  It was ABC/ESPNs way of saying, “We love our viewers at home…kinda.”

Once driver interviews began, it was clear that Rusty Wallace wasn’t the only one who had questionable hair last night.  Jimmie Johnson has become a victim of a dwindling Propecia supply.  Kyle Busch has fallen prey to the Donald Trump comb-forward.   Hair mishaps like that would never happen in Indy Car.

The pre-race invocation was actually delightful this week (even if it was exclusionary).  The pre-race anthem?  Not so much.  It was hard to tell if Sara Evans really needed to find a potty or really wanted to eat her microphone.  She also created a new species of fish.  It’s spangilled.  No, queens, it’s not available for drag show attire just yet.  Ms. Evans turned a minute long song into a 10 minute “experience”.  Track promoters, if you’re wondering who to have do your anthem, might I suggest a military band?  Or a college band?  Or a high school band?  Or anyone who doesn’t emote like a choking gazelle through the entire song?

Once the race finally got going, it seemed like it was never going to stop.  The first half was filled with…absolutely nothing.  Cars couldn’t pass.  It was like watching a really fast parade.  Where they give out the worst candy.  At one point, we were looking for the Lions Club to start scooping up the horse apples.  Even the cars started to fall asleep.

Trevor Bayne’s gas tank went to sleep.  Mark Martin’s left front hub went to sleep.  Even the debris was too bored to fall on the track.  Oh, sure, Kurt Busch whined and complained about his car, but even that was snoozy.  No great lines.  He couldn’t even revive the monkey.  It was busy cuddling with the football.

At the half-way point, ABC/ESPN went to NASCAR Non-Stop.  We all know what that means.  Non-stop commercials.  Of course, the commercials were more exciting than the racing at that point, so no one really complained.  People wanted to see that Texas commercial.  At least we got to relive Jeff Gordon trying to snatch off what little hair Jeff Burton has.

Trace Adkins also reminded us that Chad Knaus fired his pit crew halfway through the Texas race last year.  We started to wonder if that might happen again.  Not because the pit crew is bad this year.   But because he’s so frustrated with his driver’s sniping that he has to fire someone.  When the crew chief has to preface his communication with, “Dude, I’m not being a dick here”, perhaps it’s time for a come to Jesus meeting.

ABC/ESPN commentators started to give us gems like, “if the race ended now” and “if the Chase ended now”.  They told us about down force, side force.  The only force they missed was John Force.  They talked about Alan Gufstafsin and Matt Kensiss.  We’re still trying to figure out who they are.  They talked about airplanes flying over Charlotte Motor Speedway.  The action on track was so slow, they came dangerously close to guessing who wears boxers and who wears briefs.

Suddenly, on a single restart, action on the track picked up.  Of course, it wasn’t really the kind of action we wanted to see.  Instead of racing, now we were watching wrecking.  After a very slow restart by Matt Kenseth, the field stacked up and David Ragan came up the track.  That was the same moment that Jeff Gordon decided to come down the track.  They, apparently, wanted to make a spinning Kasey Kahne sandwich.  Harvick nearly got in on the Kahne action, but managed to miss him.  It was a mini-Big One.  Oh, and no, that’s not Kasey Kahne’s new nickname.

We also saw the return of Bad Luck Biff this week.  After leading a large portion of the race, a penalty for a loose lugnut put Greg Biffle back in the pack.  He was able to get his lap back and move his way up through the field.  He was not, however, able to move his way past Tony Stewart.  After some extremely close racing with Smoke, the Biff found himself in the wall.  Then he found himself against Stewart’s right rear quarter-panel.  He then found himself with a cut left-front tire.

Of course, the wigs started to fly and the earrings came off.  Biffle blamed Stewart.  Stewart blamed Biffle.  Biffle complained about Stewart’s aggressive driving.  Stewart complained about Biffle’s aggressive driving.  Okay, so maybe the wigs and earrings didn’t come off.  It was more like two pre-teen girls cat fighting over the phone.

The last wreck of the night was one that even this writer can’t make fun of.  On lap 318, Jimmie Johnson got loose outside of Ryan Newman and slammed the wall in an impact that looked eerily familiar to a lot of longtime fans.  The impact was so hard that the 48’s wheels came off the ground.  The in-car camera view was even more frightening as we saw what could have been without Johnson’s safety equipment and the SAFER Barriers.  Johnson eased from his car, in obvious pain, and limped to the ambulance.  He also limped from the Infield Care Center to his post-accident interview.  While Johnson most certainly took a huge hit in the points, we’re just glad he walked away from that accident and home to his wife and daughter.

After Johnson’s wreck, the race actually looked more like a race.  Matt Kenseth had an excellent restart.  Edwards and Busch raced each other so hard that he was able to get away.  Then Kahne and Edwards battled hard.  Eventually, the checkers flew and Matt Kenseth took the win.  The fans rejoiced.  Mostly because the race was over and they could go home and go to sleep.  I rejoiced because I finally managed to not jinx my pick.

There was tiny drama on pit road, where Edwards and KyBu discussed the hard racing at the end.  KyBu refused to get out of his car until Edwards walked away.  He’s no fool.  He remembers the fake punch that Matt Kenseth suffered a few years back.

To recap, we watched a parade, we watched a wreck-fest, we watched even MORE commercials, and we’re all glad Jimmie Johnson is safe.

As always, thanks to the boss for letting me take the Gaynalysis reigns and run with it—now where’s my pillow?  I need a nap.